I can't believe...

It's been four years since I lost my mother. I can tell that pregnancy has made me much more hormonal and therefore emotional. This has been a sad morning for me so far and usually I'm pretty good about keeping my emotions in check with this sort of thing. Today that doesn't seem to be the case.
Four years ago to the day I was sitting in the same seat at work when I got that devastating call from my sister telling me that our mom was missing and that suicide notes had been found. It was 8 in the morning and I was extremely tired from partying the night before, but when I heard those words on the other end of the phone I just knew it had finally happened. There was no doubt in my mind that our mother's pain finally became too much for her to bare. I can relive those next few hours as if they happened yesterday. The shock, pain, sadness and immense sense of loss will never be forgotten.
I guess what saddens me most is how much has happened to me in the past four years. I keep thinking "If only she could have made it a few more years things could have gotten so much better." I met the man I was going to marry two weeks before she passed away so suddenly. She never got to meet him, or our two dogs and see our gorgeous apartment we moved into. Two years later he proposed and we got married the year after that in a beautiful ceremony in Switzerland, which she would have loved. And now I'm pregnant with her first grandchild who she will never get to meet. I think she would be very happy with how my life turned out, it's just too sad she isn't here to enjoy it with me.
And now her youngest daughter is about to get married, and even though she isn't here in person, she is in spirit. She would be so proud of both of us and what we have accomplished and grown up to be. She would be very grateful for what Linda (our stepmom) has done for us and how wonderful she has been. I just hope she finally found the happiness she so much deserved.
Mammi, I know you are always watching over me. I talk to you whenver I need guidance and I'm grateful for all the love and support you have given me growing up. I hope I'll be half the mom you were. xoxo

This is the last photo of my mom and sister, taken four days before she passed away...